In this episode of Hesitation Cuts, Mike TV discusses romantic relationships. Why being a broke-ass musician with dicey career prospects has hindered but not halted his romantic prospects and how he has managed to find himself in several long-term relationships over his 30 years as a professional musician. This episode features brand-new recordings of the songs Complicated Lives, Hanging Fire, Lift Me Up, Somedays, and Where You Go.
0:00 Episode Intro
0:34 Cold Open (Complicated Lives Lead-In)
4:43 [song] Complicated Lives
8:28 Main Title
9:04 Hanging Fire Lead-In
10:54 [song] Hanging Fire
15:28 Lift Me Up Lead-In
17:15 [song] Lift Me Up
20:52 Somedays Lead-In
23:16 [song] Somedays
26:53 Where You Go Lead-In
29:25 [song] Where You Go
33:49 Episode Summation
34:43 Patreon Discussion
38:00 END
Season 2, Episode 5 – True Love
Episode Intro:
Hey, I’m Mike TV and this is Hesitation Cuts. And in this episode, we discuss true love. Not the Princess Bride sort of true love. But the, complicated, nuanced, ever-evolving, obstacle-ridden, often flummoxing sort of love that people engage in once they’re old enough to pay their own bills, and choose their own poisons, and you know, make the sorts of mistakes large enough to send you to prison, or the White House, or deep under a mountain of debt, regret, and heartache. So, true love is complicated. Combining the lives of two fully formed human beings complete with careers and pets and family and houses, can a pretty difficult proposition, and we’re gonna explore this proposition through story and song.
Cold Open:
So, let’s take the Way Back Machine to 2009. And I have just made the decision to join my girlfriend of many years up in the Bay Area, where she is going to college.
Now, she’s already done one semester at Berkeley. The fall through January semester. And during that same time, I’ve been in Los Angeles, wondering exactly what’s next for Get Set Go, after the record label basically squashed our 4th album, Sunshine, Joy, and Happiness. Now, of course, before we split up, before she moved to Berkeley, I wanted to marry my girlfriend. And we talked about it at length. But, she felt that my revenue was too all over the map to really consider a life with me over the long haul. Now, mind you, this was at a point in time when Grey’s Anatomy was repeatedly licensing songs from me. So, I was making pretty good money. Better money, as a musician, than I ever had.
But, alas, she doesn’t want to marry me. And so we split. She moved to Berkeley for school, and I remained in Los Angeles. But, we, we’re both in a weird place, right? Because, I’m effectively just couch hopping. She doesn’t have a lot of friends in Berkeley. And the friends she does have, they’re all undergrads at college.So, lots of drinking, and who knows what else, right? And she, as a recovering drug addict, it’s making negotiating the college friend thing a bit of a sticky wicket.
Now, I’ve always found making money pretty easy. I work very hard. I’m smart.I’m great with people. I am constantly looking for efficiencies, and I like doing my job better than anyone else. So, that’s a great combo of attributes for succeeding within the parameters of 98% of industries. So, one day, we’re talking on the phone, as we regularly were doing at this point in time, and I say too her, what if I walk away from music and get a job. What if I show you how easy it is to make good money. What about if I move up to the Bay Area, find work, and we just start over. And see where we’re at in six months to a year.
So, fast forward six months and I’m working in software sales, and my girlfriend and I have moved back in together, I am driving two hours into work, because I work on the peninsula and live in Berkeley, and then two hours back home. Every day. And I am mostly miserable. My company is a start-up, and it’s mostly software engineers.And as much as I still love all of the people I was working with, having long heartfelt conversations about anything of substance was difficult with admitted introverts. And they all lived near work whereas I lived on the other side of the Bay .So, I spent most of my day, when not cold calling, or taking sales calls, or pitching prospective clients, or supporting our partners, I just hung out by myself. And then I would head home, often to an empty house, because my girlfriend was out with study groups. And those study groups often went late.
And after having been there for six months, and never having met a single one of my girlfriend’s classmates or friends, I started to feel like she was actively keeping them from me. So, I asked her. What gives? And she admitted to me, I don’t want you to meet them. And I was like, uh, what, why not? And her response was, well, if I introduce you to them, they will become your friends and not mine.
Which, of course, made absolutely no sense to me at that moment. What do you mean? I don’t steal friends. How do they become my friends and not yours. They are your friends. And she responded, yeah, but you’re Mike TV. They will just become Mike TV’s friends. And she said it as if it was a foregone conclusion. And I had never encountered this sort of thing before.So, I was completely unprepared for how to deal with it. And eventually, this impulse of hers to keep me at arm’s length the majority of her day to day, you know, it eventually killed our relationship.
And it wasn’t until years later, mostly because it was a very hard break-up for me and I just licked my wounds and didn’t do a lot of reflecting, but year’s later I realized, oh, I think I see what she’s saying. You know I find people fascinating. And I like to talk to them. And hear what they have to say. And ask questions about the things that they do say. Everyone is a story. And even the most boring of us, seemingly on the surface, if you just keep digging, everyone has fascinating attributes and perspectives and ideas. You know, still waters run deep. And this effusive enthusiasm for others allows me to make friends pretty quickly. And endear myself to them pretty quickly. You know, who are you? What do you do? That’s awesome? How does that work? And down the rabbit hole of them I go.
And even though she could do the exact same thing, and she did it very well, at that time, in that place, I just did it better.I had been doing it for longer. I was good at finding the emotional center of people and touching that. Bringing it back to the emotional resonance of why they did what they did and why they loved it or hated it or whatever. Anyway, I could do that with friends. I did that with her in the early years of our relationship. I just wasn’t doing it with her anymore. I was just taking us for granted. Because we weren’t really talking things out. We weren’t seeing each other. I was miserable. She was in an overwhelming position, feeling overwhelmed. And it led to us not taking care of each other. And then engaging in bad behaviors that grew even worse. And then, and I don’t want to air dirty laundry, because I don’t think it’s material to this story, but things got even more complicated.
[Complicated Lives]
Complicated Lives Insert 1:
And so, I moved out. And returned to Los Angeles. And it was a devastating moment for me. Because, often, in break-ups, you don’t realize you’re tossing the baby out with the bathwater. Right? It’s not just the pain that’s getting ejected. It’s the breakfast routine. And the favorite restaurants, the deep conversations about beloved books, and tv shows and movies. The casual touches, the inside jokes, you know, the fabric of what makes us a couple.
Main Title:
Hey, I’m Mike TV! Welcome to Episode 5 of Season 2 of Hesitation Cuts. The show where we intentionally climb into the mouth of Time, get chewed up, swallowed and then spend the next handful of decades being slowly, inexorably digested. In this episode we talk about love. Is it possible? Or is it instead the impulse of all living creatures, shipwrecked and adrift in the vast ocean of the indifferent constellations, to simply cling to other drifters to avoid the feeling that we are completely, utterly alone in a vast sea of chaos.
Hanging Fire Lead-In:
So, let me start with a little caveat. Because, man, right now, every time I visit the Internet, I am besieged by “quote, unquote” authorities who, 99 times out of 100, are also influencers, that, with very little bonafides, with no real explanation of who they are and why I should consider them an expert, they are literally trying to explain to me how what I’ve been doing for 30 years is completely all wrong and ass-backwards and out of touch with the marketplace of today.
So, that said, the only thing that I am an authority on is my own life. And very likely, every single recollection I have that involves other people, if we were to assemble those other people in some room, we’d probably have a different perspective and memory of each and every recollection. So, even the authority I claim on my own life, it’s a bit circumspect.I’m not hear to teach you anything.Or radically transform the way you approach the world. The only value I am bringing to you and will ever give to you ever is a genuine human experience told by a very flawed human who arguably has pretty decent pitch, a good ear for melody, and occasionally, some facility with words.
So, now, the problem, for me, with new relationships, has always been getting the timing right.Sometimes I am out of money. Actually, often, I am out of money. Other times, I’m working on a new, all-encompassing, life-swallowing project that affords me no free time whatsoever. Worst of all, is when I have no money and no time.
And so, all the stars have to align for me to really get deep into a new relationship.
But, there is one great things about being a musician. And even more specifically, being a songwriter. And, it is an unfair advantage, I am willing to admit. But being able to ask questions. And get to the emotional center of a conversation.How does this make you feel? What do you want to do next? What are your hopes? What are you dreams? Being able to listen, and listen with your ears, your head, and your heart, and then to keep delving, and delve deeper and then recast all of the gold and silver from these conversations into a song, or poem, or story, you know, something that resonates. Man, that’s a crazy aphrodisiac. Sometimes, better than money, better than good looks, better than being famous or powerful, all you really need is a piano or guitar and a little time to think about the person falling for.
[HANGING FIRE]
Hanging Fire Insert 1: And I think the power of song, and writing songs for someone in specific is, you’re conveying to them, I’m taking you way more seriously than the average bear, right? I’m gonna spend hours thinking about you and then hours working to make something special for you.
Hanging Fire Insert 2:Taking time out of your day to remind the person that you love, that you love them, that you’re willing to spend time, and effort, and consideration on them, for them, that’s a really powerful way to show rather than tell.
Lift Me Up Lead-In:
It’s really been heartbreaking for me over the past 25+ years, as I have been pursuing a successful music career, how difficult it has been to sustain long-term romantic relationships or even plot out a life-plan with my partners. But, every now and again, I find someone that is just crazy enough to want to give it a go.
And you know, after you date for a little while, then you start talking about what the future holds. And its at this point, that most of the women that I have dated have come to fully embrace the idea that, with me, our future is, most likely, highly precarious. Because, heretofore, it has been. I am open and honest about that. But, you know, because I am who I am, and I work as hard as I do, I always live with the distinct belief that massive, wildly popular success, for me, is only about six months away. Like, all I need to do is just find the right promotional strategy, with the right product, and bam! I’m off to the races!
But, you know, you get to this point in a relationship, where you have to take two adults who have lived very separate lives and then you have to intertwine those lives. You have to figure out schedules. And meet parents. Which, for me, can go either way. They love me, they hate me. Very rarely are they just on the fence. And then you have to meet each other’s friends. And pets. And understanding each other’s work schedules and coordinating vacation days.And, then, eventually, you’re considering whose place to move into. Or do you find something new? What do you do when one of you has to move out of town for work or school? And your complicated lives grow even more complicated by the interlacing
And I have had some very wonderful long-term relationships with partners who, if they didn’t fully believe in my perspective of success being right around the corner, they at least saw that success was *possible* and were willing to, if not go the distance, they were willing to stick around for the time being.
But when I find someone that is willing to go a little distance down the road with me. Despite their misgivings, despite their intellect screaming out at them that they need to get as far away as possible, but, you know, instead, they stick with me. I mean, look, I’m struggle incarnate. I don’t understand it. It sucks balls. But, every now and again, some crazy, wonderful, optimist chooses me. And it transforms my life.
[Lift Me Up]
Lift Me Up Insert 1: I am certain, 100%, I would not be here without the people that I have loved. Because, obviously, my life has been one tumult after the other. But, having someone to work hard for. To love and support and be present for. For me, that keeps all the goblins in the closet.
Lift Me Up Insert 2: All artists have a vein of Narcissism running through them. You have to believe that what you are and what you are doing is important and valuable, right? But, go too far down road and you end in Me’sville. Population One. And that’s a lonely place to live. So, to combat that I endeavor to be present for and attentive to my partner. Because, having someone there for me means I have to be there for them, right? It’s a partnership. And feeling needed, knowing I have responsibilities, that often grounds me.It is possible as an artist to take care of your muse and the people that you love. It just requires a lot of diligence and effort. But, what in this world has any value without those two things?
Somedays Lead-In:
And that’s the thing.Striving, and working, and, then, failing, and failing, and failing, over and over and over again, eventually, it takes a pretty heavy toll. I mean, I’m pretty good at taking my lumps and getting back up again, I’ve lost a lot of rounds but I’m still in the fight, but it does weigh on you psychically.And, of course, we, all of us, taking our lumps. And all of us fight different battles. And if we can’t turn to each other, if you can’t turn to your partner for empathy, and sympathy, and discussion, and just good ol’ grousing, then what, you just wait until you explode? Because, that’s what I do. You know, if I don’t have outlets to let go of all of my personal chaos, and vitriol, and venom, and bile, and all of the ick and the woe and the putrescence that grows out of feeling under-seen, unrecognized, unloved, unsupported, you know, if I can’t exorcise that out of myself, it is definitely the soil from which cancers and heart disease and ulcers and other stress based afflictions are grown.
You know, love is defined just as much by the obstacles you overcome together as it is about the happy, joyful moments. And I think we often forget that. Like, if we’re, on balance, not more blissful than troubled, something is wrong. But sometimes life just throws you hand grenades.You know. And who better to help you protect the life you’ve built from exploding hand grenades than the person you built it with?
And that, for me, is the coolest thing about love. Being present every day, seeing each other, knowing change is manifesting right there in front of you and being there to witness it in each other, embrace it, and to celebrate it, and then project that change out into the world around you, in the life you’re creating together. Man, what a fucking magical feeling. It’s a powerful feeling. Like, I used to be alone. Now I am not. Now, we are us. The world is there. It used to be me vs the world. And now it’s us in the world.
Awesome.
Unfortunately, it gets way harder, way more complicated, when you’re both struggling. If you’re both dealing with mental health issues, and then you throw in money problems, and health stuff, and I mean, it can definitely feel like you’re playing in Hard Mode. I mean, I’ve felt that I’ve been playing in Hard Mode for decades.
There was a point when I was at a really super-dark place. And I was writing some songs and I was just leaning into all the sadness. And I wrote a song that started with the lyrics, “I just want one beautiful day. With no worries to take my joy away. I just want one. I only want one.” And my girlfriend at the time asked me what I was doing, and I said I had just finished writing a song, and she asked to hear it, and I started playing.
And when I sang that opening line, she just started bawling. Ha! Ha! It’s crazy because it makes me so happy. Right? ‘Cause, she knew what I was going through. And she, too, had been dealing with different struggles. And these struggles were impacting our relationship and our friendship and our regard for each other. And we were feeling less and less connected. But in that moment, we were one.
And the fact that music can do that, the fact that I can write a song that does that, well, that’s just the absolute greatest feeling in the whole world.
[Somedays]
Somedays Lead-In: Nothing lasts forever. Which drives me insane. But, I think, over the decades, I’ve gotten a little better at appreciating the people who choose and have chosen to spend their days, their hours, their years with me.Even if it doesn’t last as long as we hoped. I’m a hard person to love. I get that.But, I’ve experienced love and continue to experience love. How spectacular is that? A broke-ass musician who refuses to play by anybody’s rules but his own, and pays the price for it, still has people that love him. Blessed, man. I am truly blessed.
Where You Go Lead-In:
So, I am very much a creature of routine.I try to get up at the same point every morning. Usually about 8. I take the dogs out. I put on a pot of coffee. I fire up my computer and then whatever tasks I have assigned for myself for the day, they get done. Then, sprinkle in a little lunch and dinnertime with my partner and walking of the dogs, and that’s my day. And it continues until about 10pm. Mostly 7 days a week.
And I have recently came to realize that maybe I’m doing a disservice to my partner. Because I don’t mind my days feeling like the exact same day, because, substantively, for me, they’re not the same day, as I’m always working on something new. And that new thing creates just enough spice in my life to keep me excited about getting up the next morning. And I do get up excited, every day.
However, my partner has a very different perspective on all this, and she has been going stir crazy. She doesn’t like to spend all day at home. She is hurting for good friends and being with other human beings. And so, just recently, she brough up mini-golf. Something she has never done. And I was like, ohmigod! Yes, of course, mini-golf! Let’s mini-golf! And that got me to thinking. There’s so many adventure that can be had for so cheap, I mean, mini-golf is 7 bucks a person. Depending on who you are and what you drink at Starbucks, 7 dollars can be cheaper than a single drink at Starbucks. For an evening of mini-golf?! Hell yeah!
You know, and I realized that the idiom, variety is the spice of life, actually is probably pretty true. You know, just don’t overspice. But, I’ve been neglecting my duties as a partner. So wrapped up in all of my profession perambulations. I’ve been letting her down. I should be figuring out our little adventures that we can go on. Even if it’s just walking in different neighborhoods, or going to different public pools, or visiting public libraries, there is a lot available to even the poorest of musicians. Why am I not taking advantage of this?
I think that’s the thing. Because, being a creature of routine, just so long as the machine isn’t on fire, I’ll keep it humming along for months or years at a time.And that’s definitely not the healthiest way to approach life. Particularly when you are sharing your life with someone. Because, it’s not just me. I’m not the only participant. In fact, I’m not the most important participant. And if I feel like I am, then I am certainly failing as someone who purports to love my partner. Because, love is sacrifice. Love is saying, hey, what do you need? Let me help you overcome your obstacles, shoulder your burdens, and celebrate your successes.Let me take care of you. And if I’m walking around like I’m the most important person in our household, I am certainly failing at loving my partner. And, so, this realization, right now, is actually happening in real time. As I’m writing this, as I’m contemplating the idea of love and how it works, I’ve just realized, I’ve probably been screwing up. So, if you want, check in with me in a few months to see if I’ve added a little more variety to our adventures. I have so little time. If I’m not working a 70 or 80 week, we can’t eat. But, the little time I do have, I plan to invest in making sure my love is experiencing all the awesome our town has to offer.
Because, you know, if every day’s the exact same, it’s sorta like prison, right? And if it is a prison, then as they say in the Wire, you only do two days. The day you come in and the day you come out. And that, to me, sounds like pretty short, unremarkable life.
[Where You Go]
Where You Go Insert:
So, this is my ever-improving formula for love. And let me know if it resonates with you. Commit to your partner. Endeavor to be as honest as possible. Communicate every day. Ask questions. Pay attention to the answers. Digest those answers.
You don’t have to leave the house to have grand adventures. The idea is to break the routine just enough to let each other know you’re still an active participant in the life that you both share.
Where You Go Insert 2:
It’s not rocket science.But like all things that matter, it requires diligence and practice. In fact, maybe that’s why musicians get it so rough? Because, otherwise, we’d rule the universe. We are literally built of diligence and practice.
Episode Summation: So, that’s the episode. And like I said, I’m not an expert. I am not an authority. But I am an avid enthusiast and I have been taking the idea of love very seriously for decades. I have written scores and scores of songs trying to understand my perspective, my partner’s perspective, and the perspective of my friends. And I can offer this, sometimes, it really helps, when you wake up in the middle of the night, and you see you partner, lying there, mouth open, certainly not at their most becoming or fetching, maybe a little mouth-breathing or snoring going on, but, if you look at them, and remind yourself, this is the person I love, that loves me, and we are building something wonderful, every day.It’s difficult at times, yes.There will be arguments, there will be complications, and if you go long enough, there will be sickness, there will be unforeseen tribulations, and ultimately death. Which sucks. I fucking hate it. But, damn, man, you’re doing it together. For as long as you can. And, that, is just magic.
Patreon Revised:
Before I go, can we talk about this podcast? And about how, right now, only a few hundred people listen to each episode. And in the eyes of the podcasting world, that’s a tiny and dismissible audience. I have to have at least 1,000 listeners before I can make even $20 dollars an episode on advertising. $20 bucks.
Which is absurd. Right? I mean, why would I put this much work and this much effort into something that, right now, on paper, makes me no money at all. And, of course, the answer is, first, I love it. I love telling these stories and re-contextualizing my songs. And, giving you a peek into how much effort and thought and love and attention goes into these songs.
And secoondly, I am trying to make history. No, wait, I am making history. No one has ever done a podcast like this. In fact, there’s not even a proper genre for this podcast. It exists in music commentary, of all places. Like, I am commenting on my music? No, that’s way too reductionary. But there is no Musical Autobiography genre.
So, I am literally in a field of one. Trying to create a brand-new genre of podcast. And the only people that are providing substantive support to my efforts are my Patreon patrons. Year in and year out, month over month, these magnanimous, munificent and marvelous folks have helped me pay my rent as I have soldiered on, making music, writing songs, performing live, and telling my stories.
And right now, you don’t even have to spend a dime to join my Patreon community. There is a new button on my Patreon page. It’s labeled Join the Community. Right at the top. And if you click on that, you’ll receive access to my Discord, and a weekly post, that will include new demos, advance access to new singles and albums, stories, early samples of upcoming podcast episodes, access to my new streaming service, Launchpad and up to 16 live-streaming performances a month, access to a monthly Hesitation Cuts the Podcast Q&A, access to a monthly Ask Me Anything Q&A.And participation in a thriving, genuinely wonderful community of amazing folk. All for zero dollars.
Like, seriously. If that’s not incentive enough to get you out of the stands and onto the field, I don’t think you’re actually a fan of the game. But, that said, you know, standing on the sidelines is awesome but actually playing the game is way more rewarding.
And for a dollar a week, you could become a ninja. And that’s where the real action is. First, you would have access to the Bonus Content for this very episode. Which features a completely brand-new, never-before-heard song, and about 8 and ½ minutes of additional supplemental story. You’ll also receive access to the Launchpad archive, where you can literally watch me try to revolutionize the way live-streaming rock shows actually happen. And you’ll receive Hesitation Cuts the podcast episodes, sometimes weeks in advance of when they actually get pushed out to the rest of the world. And you’ll also have instant access to literally every recording I have ever done. And that’s over 600 songs. You want an album, let me know, and it is yours. Bam!
And of course, ninjas are just the very start. Then we got superheros, the demigods and the deities. Each tier unlocks other elements of awesome and all of it, all of this support, gets pumped back into the podcast, into the music, and into the stories.
So, seriously, my friend, now that I have the free Join the Community button, if that’s too big of an ask, then I think your mindset is exactly why musicians at my level are disappearing.You know. You have to step up. I’ve made it so easy for you that it’s barely any effort at all. So, just give me one month and let me show you what I can do.
Anyway, that’s me. That’s the show. I love you all.
Be well, eat your veggies, live forever.